Tuesday, February 28, 2012

SINGLE MOTHERS: DAMAGED GOODS & DISCARDED ?

     The disapproval of single women with children will never change. Since biblical times, an unwed mother was shunned and often persecuted.  Today Black women raising children alone is all too common while circumstances may vary. After watching Vlogger Taren Guy , I immediately was engaged. "Damaged" and  "unwanted" were just a couple of the labels that she disagrees with. While raising a child alone, is neither glamourous and desired, it's not an indicator of a woman's worth or value. Granted women with children require more from prospective partners, but the standards themselves, are the same as women without children. Faithfulness, selflessness, generosity, compassion,  stability, motivated, spiritual and family orientated, aren't just requirements exclusive to one kind of women


"Rather than judging the book and assuming it's contents by the cover, one should open it and read to have a greater understanding of the author and the story itself" ~Africanexport

     While I don't expect an unanimous acceptance of teen mothers, unwed mother's, and single parenting, I do think the more women share complete, honest, and transparent accounts of their pasts and experiences as a women, mother and partners, will the naysayers have a clearer picture and synopsis of the book to then draw an opinion.





WHAT ARE YOUR HONEST OPINIONS OF SINGLE MOTHERS?

15 comments:

  1. First I must say that I DO NOT have any children. But I am dating a MAN who has a child...I think I sent you an email about that for advice)
    Now, I do believe that people w/o children have a right to NOT date someone with kids...some mind it, some don't. I do believe women with children have a right to have the same standards as women w/o children, just like we don't settle neither should they. BUT I think some women get very offended when people don't want to date them b/c they have a child (or children) they have to understand that we do have the right to not go that route…I mean think about when someone is describing their “perfect mate” name one person who has said, “I want someone with kids.” NO ONE says that, no one has that in their criteria… if it end up that way then so be it…but it is not something that most people are looking forward too...But I don't think it is right to say women with kids should have to settle, b/c at the end of the day...they are women and women shouldn't have to settle ever.

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  2. I think the number of single mothers, and fathers for that matter, is a reflection of changing social mores. But, from in a positive way. At one point in time, if your spouse was abusive emotionally or physically, there was literally nothing you could do about it. The way cultures were, the way the laws were constructed, you had to stay and take to abuse, or disharmony, or misery. Now, people have a way out of bad circumstances. Frankly, I think that's a good thing. People tend to look at things anecdotally (from their own limited perspective) and fail to try to understand experiences that are different from their own. It's exactly like your quote. We need to open the book and read the WHOLE story before decide what's appropriate and what is not.

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  3. @TotalDivaRea, I totally agree that a lot of women get offended when someone says "I would never date a woman with kids". Understandably so, but I don't fault the men who say that. Funny enough, although I have a child, I didn't date men with children because I didn't want to take on the title of being a "step parent". Thats just my preference, also I wanted to be THE ONLY WOMAN WITH YOUR CHILDREN. lol. I think if a single mother accepts her choices, and understands what comes with that, there shouldn't be any ill feelings towards those who want nothing to do with it, relationship wise. There is someone for everyone (one would like to think). So rather than focus on who DOESNT want you, I'd be more concerned with who does, and chose accordingly. Thanks for reading and commenting on the post

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  4. Women are most certainly NOT damaged goods. I am married, but I do not have children. However, I have friends who have children who are dating. One thing is for sure, the older we get the more the dynamics change. After 30 y/o, you may meet more men/women with children. Do ppl have the right to choose? Certainly yes! I know a lot of men/women with children who don't want to date men/women withouth children -- mainly because they don't want to have anymore, or they are done (tubes tied, etc.). I think ppl should respect invidual opinions/decisions; however, do not be harsh and critical to those who don't share the same opinion. All women have the right to be loved and meet someone amazing! And they will!

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  5. @myprettybrownblog. You couldn't have said it better. I will have to repost this on Facebook . Thank you for sharing, I appreciate and agree with your point of view and hope that you may inspire a change in some's attitude/perspective.

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  6. What I find interesting is that when did being a mother whether single or married become a bad thing. Nurturing life is the greatest thing a woman can do. People need to tend to their own issues and stop worrying about whether I'm married or have a baby daddy if my child is healthy, happy & well-behaved.

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  7. I find it sad that although many of you women are trying to be positive and understanding you still seem to be applying a label or saying subconsciously that yes women with children have worth and should be able to date but we should be willingly to accept our consequences for our choices. First who says that for some of us women having children was even a choice? Second no we cannot be mad or upset with a man for not wanting to date us, but it is absurd for a man to say no when he has not even attempted to get to know the woman or her child or children. I want women to take a step back too and realize that us women are NOT having these children alone so therefore why is this stigma just on the woman? Quite frankly if everyone thinks of this situation logically there are just as many fathers as there are mothers it is just there are fewer fathers who step up to be FATHERS versus us bad ass women who step up and raise phenomenal children. Now given the situation I see all these females dating these men but yet the women are left behind because they chose to be mothers. Hmm...it seems to me that perhaps women need to start clearly looking at a situation and stop giving all these men so much credit and worth when 9 times out 10 the man saying he will not date a woman because she has kids probably has kids too. The numbers don't lie. So women please stop hating on other women in an effort to make yourself feel better or seem like a better catch cause at the end of the day I commend anyone who can step up and do the job of a mother and a father successfully while still holding onto her dreams. Now that is a bad ass female! Perhaps if we all start raising our standards and making our men accountable there will be less single mothers raising children.

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  8. This is very interesting. I can't relate to this but the thought of someone calling another human being damaged goods is outrageous. Single mothers are heroines in my book!!!! .-_-

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  9. Being that I was fortunate enough to grow up with both of my parents I wouldn't ever want to be a single mother. However, I hate how in America they make it seem like Black women are all single mothers and we aren't capable of raising children adequately. When I came to the UK i noticed that a lot of stereo types that are placed on Black women in America are all nonsense. They have white little girls in London walking around acting 'ghetto, living in counsel flats, and being single mothers' Just because someone has had a child and for whatever reason is now raising that child alone does not make them damaged goods, but in reality that is how the world will unjustifiably treat them.

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  10. Slimmy Shea. GREAT post! It is as if the men are getting a free pass in this discussion. I am all for people being allowed to choose who they want to date. I even commend men and women who know that they are not up to the challenge of being step parents. It is better to know ones limitations and be honest about them from the beginning.

    However, I take issue with the fact that single mothers are treated like villains and single father are treated like Saints. As a matter of fact the mother often gets the blame if the child is living with his or her father. He is seen as a loving and generous human being by men and women alike.

    Single women's children were not hatched. They did not come about as a result of immaculate conception. MEN, Black men in this discussion are just as responsible as the mother for these children being here.

    I know of many women who did NOT want to become mothers but felt that they had no choice because of the draconian beliefs concerning abortion. This is sad to me because not every parent changes their mind about the fact that they did not want a child after they are born.

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  11. I'm not sure if I'm playing devil's advocate but I feel compelled to comment. Firstly, I am a single woman with no kids and always said I wouldn't date a man with kids. I don't think single mothers are damaged goods by a LONG SHOT! However, A LOT of single mothers feel the need to constantly parade that they're a single mother and entitled to some type of praise. No you're a parent. That's it. You don't have to constantly give reminders everyday that you're a single mother. To the earlier comment that it seems that men are praised for being single fathers, I actually understand why. Our culture and society are so quick to down a man and say "9 out of 10 men" aren't good, or there's too many single mothers and not enough "responsible" men. Easy example, on Father's Day, women will say "Happy Father's day to ME!" Sit down, seriously. Why are you constantly looking for approval from society for being a good parent? You ever notice those single fathers don't parade that they're a single father? They just do what they're supposed to do. They don't say "Happy Mother's to ME!" on your day. Their focus is on their children and nothing else. That's the difference. We as women are constantly looking for society to recognize us. That's why it sucks. Also, if you want to go into the history of single mothers, originally, women were traditionally stay at home mothers. Men worked. When they divorced, it was said that men couldn't work and care for children. That was so deeply embedded that men eventually stopped even fighting for their kids. Here's where the change is though. More men are starting to fight for their kids because guess what? Some of you mothers AREN'T THAT GREAT. Stop assuming that because you're a woman that had a child, you're a great mother. You are quick to say a man isn't a great dad just because he contributed to the child. It works both ways. Check statistics though, 70% of the men that actually fight for their kids win custody. That should say something right there. Single mothers are NOT damaged goods, but there is some self-denial going on. A baby doesn't make a man a father. A baby doesn't make a woman a mother. FYI, I will soon date a SINGLE dad who is an AMAZING father. He doesn't parade his accomplishments. He just loves God and his kids and tries to raise them right. He chose to be responsible, but he's not asking society to give him credit. He knows his ultimate reward is from God. Just saying, some of you are looking for approval from the wrong people. Lastly, the women who may be considered "damaged goods" could be the single mothers who are constantly looking for approval from society to recognize them for being great. Sometimes, being quiet and calm and raising your child is the most attractive thing to the right man. Don't chase men. God will put them in your life when it is your time.

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    Replies
    1. I understand everything you are saying but once you have a child you will see why single mothers do what they do. It's not for constant approval it's to remind ourselves that we are capable of doing it alone. Yes, men can do it too but it's different for a man he didn't carry that child for nine months, that is probably why he don't want recognition. A mother carries the kid for nine months and then raise the kid alone. I am a single mother I don't look at that as a title I look at it has a honor. Everyone's situation is different I have pride in being a mother it's my biggest accomplishment. And I like for people to know that because, whatever they are going through they can do it too. Not for approval from everybody else, but for the ones who are down and out and don't think they can make it being a "Single Mother".

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